Some Seniors Jokes
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into
an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip
turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"..........
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around
and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"..........
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under
a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a
newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"..........
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly'.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red
and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?....
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out
of her hospital gown.".........
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear
you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"..........
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."..........
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve
thirty."..........
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be
careful.'"..........
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."..........
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